Facts In Evidence

Six more weeks of winter. I had originally intended to make this post a rant against someone I thought was a despicable scoundrel, the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil. The callous way he threw around predictions of weather, taunting us with promises of an early Spring when it never seemed to come, just a terrible way to treat those of us who looked to him for guidance and hope. His disrespect and lack of judgment were more than I could accept. That was until I got my hands on the following..... (don't ask me where I got it - I can't tell you the details) ********** CLASSIFIED HOMELAND SECURITY WIRETAP TRANSCRIPTS DATELINE: FEBRUARY 1, 2008 IDENTIFIED SPEAKERS: PARTY #1: PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL, GOBBLERS KNOB, PA PARTY #2: BRITNEY SPEARS, UNNAMED PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, LOS ANGELES, CA ********** INITIATE TAPE ring tone sound PARTY#1: Brit - are you there? I just can't take the pressure anymore! PARTY#2: I'm so worried about you! You've got to chill out ya'll! pause PARTY#1: They just keep hounding me. They follow me everywhere I go. I'm dreading tomorrow. PARTY#2: Oh Punx, I know what you mean... At least you've got your people to help you with that. PARTY#1: My people? "Inner Circle" my sainted aunt... I have no idea where all those guys in the top hats came from. One day I just looked up when I popped out of the burrow and they were there! I can't shake them! At least Elvis knew those Memphis Mafia guys! PARTY#2: But they're there to help you.... "don't worry we'll speak for you," and all that! Certainly makes it easier huh? PARTY#1: Oh sure! They thought they were being hilarious when they said I made that crack about my burrow being "more tidy than Saddam Hussein's spider hole," Like I was ever actually AT his spider hole, they never let me go anywhere! But ever since then, I swear I'm being listened to. Maybe by Homeland Security. PARTY#2: Oh come on ya'll - that's off the hook! PARTY#1: You say that, but the CIA had a file on John Lennon... PARTY#2: Well. maybe. sounds of pacing, possibly 4 paws PARTY#1: I thought maybe I was gonna get some good press and truth when they made the movie, but talk about an unauthorized biography... it wasn't even about me! That guy Bill Murray was on screen for way more time than me. So were the stupid "inner circle" for that matter! PARTY#2: Yeah. My people talk me into all kinds of things.... PARTY#1: Don't get me started. I even ended up in space! Three times! "Chucknik Spacecraft" ...What was I thinking! I'm a groundhog for pity's sake! PARTY#2: Don't be so hard on yourself ya'll! You trust them! You've got to trust them. That's why I'm glad I've got my momma around. PARTY#1: Um, we need to talk about that soon Brit, but right now try to focus on me! PARTY#2: Oh yeah, right! I'm sorry ya'll. PARTY#1: I'm really seriously starting to worry about the so called 'special elixir' they keep giving me. Did you know that I'm 120? I don't get to talk to other groundhogs very often, but I accidentally overheard a conversation that makes me think that's not "normal." What might it be doing to me? PARTY#2: They wouldn't give you drugs to take or alcohol to drink if they didn't think it was good for you! Remember - you have to trust them! PARTY#1: ...and most importantly, why do people believe that I can control the weather? I'm not a god! I do not even have a degree in meteorology! PARTY#2: What would knowing about rocks from space have to do with anything? Besides - you just said you were up there, didn't you learn anything about meteors? PARTY#1: I'm not sure you're following me Brit..... crackling sounds - unidentifiable PARTY#1: The power is kind of cool though.... There was that time during prohibition when I threatened that if they didn't give me a drink I'd cause 60 weeks of winter; That was pretty good! PARTY#2: Yeah, that would have been cool. Make them give me a drink tomorrow, I could really use one in here! Only make it like 60 million weeks so they really do it. PARTY#1: I can't believe that the American public actually think I talk to the inner circle in groundhog-ese or some nonsense, and tell them when Spring is coming...... I'm supposed to be hibernating - did you know that? Sleeping! Why don't they just leave me alone! Why don't they just leave us both alone! sound of bottle opening - liquid pouring PARTY#2: But you do get to meet people other folks don't know - that can be good! PARTY#1: Yeah, I got to meet President Ronald Reagan and Oprah Winfrey. PARTY#2: Oprah seems cool - but don't even get me started on Doctor Phil ya'll! PARTY#1: And another thing! They never seem to catch my good side on TV. Did you see how huge they made me look when they put me up on the JumboTron in Times Square back in 2001? PARTY#2: Yeah, we really should have talked before I did that last awards thing. I know you would have warned me. PARTY#1: People are just cruel Brit.... Them making you wear that outfit reminded me of the time they made me wear the terrible towel for the Pittsburg Steelers. The photos on that one are still circulating. quiet sobbing - both ends of line PARTY#1: Then there are the wanna-bes... Buckeye Chuck ... what a joke! Like any other groundhog could predict the weather. I can't even predict the weather! I know you're with me on that one! Just because someone is blonde and cute and can kind of sing they say she's the next Britney! What a joke! PARTY#2: Yeah. Sometimes they don't even have to actually sing - just act a mess and forget their panties one day.... I don't get it. It's sad. pause PARTY#1: Have you seen the merchandise? You can get groundhog cookie cutters, t-shirts, Mardi Gras beads, even a foam top hat like my inner circle guys wear.... They even made a Ty Beanie Baby to look like me. I mean that's okay - but they put one of those god awful hats on it. And a bow tie? I hate those things. And the money? I get none of it. Oh wait - they use it to buy the elixir and the food they give me. I should be thankful right? How about a trip to Las Vegas? Or maybe just a ride in the car sometime? PARTY#2: I'll drive you! You can sit on my lap! We'll roll baby! PARTY#1: I don't think they'll let you do that anymore Brit.... PARTY:#2 Yeah ya'll, you're probably right. PARTY#1: Besides if I went to Vegas I might start whistling or something, and the paparazzi would be all over that. PARTY#2: That's why you just marry someone while you're there - then it's cool. PARTY#1: Might not be a bad idea. pause PARTY#2: Will Punx, I got to go, they only let me talk on the phone a little bit here ya know! I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. Keep your chin up and don't even fret about all the cameras they're gonna stick in your face! PARTY#1: Thanks Brit - it's really nice to know someone cares how I feel about all of this. Say hello to Sean Preston and JJ for me when you talk to them next. PARTY#2: Oh! That's so sweet. I will. Oh and be sure to make Spring be here tomorrow okay ya'll?! Do it for me! They said I might be out by Spring! click PARTY#1: Have you been listening to anything I said? deep sigh END TAPE ********** For more information on the exploitation of my friend Phil, I mean "fun facts about groundhog day" visit groundhog.org I lifted his picture from there too. It was probably taken by some thoughtless paparazzi and traded for filthy lucre (wink) (I'm hoping Phil will forgive my past harsh words once I apologize to him...and Britney too)